I don’t know where the purpose of my life is. I looked where I last saw it and it isn’t there anymore. It’s like losing your keychain. All I can do is hope I forgot it somewhere at home because I sure can’t go outside without it. I wanna find joy in things again, and it is so difficult to get you shit together when everything feels so meaningless.
The more I look for the keys the more I fear I lost them for good. Which makes me not wanna search for them at all and just distract myself with random stuff. I think that describes my situation quite well.
Anyway I’m sad. But I hope you all are doing okay!
I’ve been down your road and I know it can be scary. Things seem out-of-place, there’s no inherent meaning. I’m sitting at my desk trying to decipher the meaning of life. I get a few notes in where I come to this resolution:
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This is something I stick with for a while, that you have to invent your own meaning. I would look out for goals, values, something that I could tie the sail of life to that would keep it from blowing about all over the place. I was looking for an anchor. I felt that there was an inherent need to tie it down with something, anything. Perhaps we can do this for short periods of time, though as we all learn: every time that anchor is uprooted, which it inevitably is, the façade comes crashing down, the sail blows everywhere again, and you inevitably spin out of control until another anchor is found.
It wasn’t until much later, sitting at my desk, that I found the solution. It was almost on accident really. I am sitting there reading this book called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, and I am reading this chapter on death. There is something the way it expanded on the idea of life, how death is the one to grant life to you, how life itself is a gift. Without the consciousness, there truly is nothing. The fact of experience is something which is the gift, and we often hide from that gift by shielding ourselves. Life itself serves as its own meaning.
The moment I found this I felt more at peace. There was never any need to tie life down with an anchor, life itself was coming in through my senses and that was meaning in its own right. The sail blowing all over the place is meaning. The anchor served as an attempt at protection, though I would no longer be participating in this protection. If I continued to tie life down in this way, I would not be able to experience that which is life. I now want to experience more of life. I let the flow of life pass through me, without creating blocks, or doing anything to disrupt this flow. Life just pours in through my senses. This serves me well, and I expect it would serve you well too.