AFAIK the best thing you can do to improve your coffee-freezing process is to prevent moisture from getting into the beans when you thaw. If you let it, moisture from the air will condense on the cold beans. So keep the beans in a closed, airtight container until they come to room temperature. (Airtight because water vapor is air.) So yeah, jars are good for this. Or sealed freezer bags should work too.
Well you’re really feeding my Nix confirmation bias here. I used to use Ansible with my dot files to configure my personal computers to make it easy to get set up on a new machine or server shell account. But it wasn’t great because I would have to remember to update my Ansible config whenever I installed stuff with my OS package manager (and usually I did not remember). Then along came Nix and Home Manager which combined package management and configuration management in exactly the way I wanted. Now my config stays in sync because editing it is how I install stuff.
Nix with either Home Manager or NixOps checks all of the benefits you listed, except arguably using a “known” programming language. What are you waiting for?