Please don’t ask why I need this.

It would be great if the food also made me sweat a lot.

It doesn’t need to be something I can easily find.

  • Roberto@toast.oooEnglish
    641·
    2 years ago

    Can’t believe lemmy already has volume enough for this level of shitposting 🥲

    • hardypart@feddit.deEnglish
      13·
      2 years ago

      This shall go down as the first meta shit post in the history of Lemmy. I love it!

  • SomeGuyNamedPaul@beehaw.orgEnglish
    32·
    2 years ago

    Oh wow, a topic for which I’m somewhat of an expert.

    Get a box of cornbread mix. Dump it in a bowl. Add milk. Stir and then consume with a spoon. If you want some violence to your shits then mix a considerable amount of crushed red pepper before the milk while it’s still a dry powder. The milk will help dull the impact of the CRP as you’re eating it but not as it’s passing, and passing fast.

    With this method you should be able to make a load of poop that floats a bit and will pile up above the water line, significantly increasing the stench you leave in the bathroom.

    The amateur enhancement is to also slam down a number of Fibercon tablets, but if you want to amp this up to pro-level defecation then go look in the supplements section for some stuff called “chitosan”. It’s like ground up shrimp and crustacean shell, and it bonds to fats so instead of being absorbed they pass through you. That plus a bunch of fatty stuff from other suggestions you’ll be receiving will take your adventure to the next level. This plus swapping in heavy whipping cream for the cornbread concoction then you’ll probably have bowel movements so horrible you’ll have to register them with some kind of government agency.

    Good luck and may your toilet paper be the good stuff.

    • bane_killgrind@lemmy.mlEnglish
      10·
      2 years ago

      Oh wow, a topic for which I’m somewhat of an expert.

      Yeah this reads as fairly sarcastic, but your advice is extremely specific.

      I am thinking you know your shit.

    • archomrade [he/him]@midwest.socialEnglish
      2·
      2 years ago

      Question: what kind of absolute hell would I go through if I did all of this after not pooping for 3 days?

      Bonus: how bad would this be if I was actively constipated?

  • tallwookie@lemmy.worldEnglish
    18·
    2 years ago

    Stage 1:

    • 3 bunches of bananas, 2 lbs cooked rice, 1 loaf of white bread (toasted)

    Stage 2:

    • 1 gallon of liquid laxative
    • 1 gallon of franks red hot
    • a 3 gallon bucket
    • a ladle

    consume stage 1 & wait 3 hours. consume stage 2. repeat as necessary

    • resin85@lemmy.caEnglish
      8·
      2 years ago

      GOOD advice to preserve 1 gallon of space in the bucket. Proper ladle size for this application will require large displacement.

  • FanfictionConsort@kbin.social
    15·
    2 years ago

    I have a good option here: Dairy.

    Basically, your body can only produce so much Lactase (the thing that breaks down Lactose) at a time. Lactose intolerant people barely produce any Lactase, which is why eating a tiny bit of cheese is OK for them, but they’ll explosively shit themselves if they have a glass of milk.

    Anyways, you have a lactase limit, time to find it. An added bonus of this strategy is that your options are a bit more varied: You can load up on cheeses, milkshakes, cream puffs, cheesecake. Regular old milk has the most lactose though, so if you want to shit yourself plentifully and violently, bring a ton of that (and whatever other foods you want, the milk will do the work here). Just don’t try and chug a whole gallon of milk in under 20 minutes, you’ll vomit because it will dilute your stomach acid until instead of digesting it, it’ll curdle in your stomach.

  • NetHandle@kbin.social
    121·
    2 years ago

    So uhh, step one: get cholera (it lives on shellfish, and plankton do with this what you will, lick some shells or something)
    Step two: ingest cholera
    Step three: try not to die