Fastforward to 2028.

Jensen Huang, salivating:

“We heard gamers crying out for a $300 graphics card. We heard you, and we have wonderful news for you.”

“Today we are introducing our most amibious flagship graphics card, the all-new RTX 9000 Video-Card-as-a-Service for only $295.”

“The new RTX 9000 VCaaS is breathtaking. This stunning card will take advantage of all optimizations that gamers require, and continue to take advantage of new AI, new crypto mining, new EFT, new blendering, new scam protection, full performance access to GeForce Now that standard subscribers can’t get, automatic machine-learning slang translation to help you aging gamers understand the vernacular of younger gamers, and new access to YouTube 2 that standard peasants can’t get to. This graphics card not only traces rays, it replaces rays by leveraging new AI algorithms to synergize and align with our increasing gamers’ needs.”

“Please see our helpful service offering:”

• Nvidia RTX 9000 VCaaS: $295
• Noob Subscription: $49 monthly
• Premium Subscription: $69 monthly

Noob Subscription:

• Yearly software updates
• Yearly RAM you can download
• Shared VRAM with the Nvidia Cloud Network
• Access to cutting-edge frames and games and stuff
• Discord emojis
• Founder’s badge to pin to your wallet
• One plain, blended cotton t-shirt with a small logo of Nvidia on it (Size XXXL only. Alternate sizes available upon request for an additional fee.)

Premium Subscription:

• Everything from the Noob Subscription
• In every video game everywhere, your username will display in an animated RGB format (1 computer per user, license is not transferrable. For additional licensing, we will provide further details on service costs).
• More Discord emojis because why not
• Access to VRAM downloads, for an additional service fee (details coming soon. Access to VRAM may occasionally be throttled when there are many concurrent users. Upcoming offering for dedicated VRAM and associated service costs coming soon afer we test the waters and see what we can get away with.)

“Note: Users without a subscription can still enjoy the all-new RTX 9000 VCaaS for 2 years of standard driver support before we obsolete that shit. Users may incidentally be severely throttled for video card performance when premium paying customers are gaming at the same time. Throttling performance is comparable to a GTX 1060 3 GB.”

“We think gamers everywhere will love this new entry point into the Nvidia family, and we believe the RTX 9000 VCaaS is positioned for gamers by gamers. Stay tuned for our upcoming 1337 Subscription, which actually leverages new AI Raytracing to particle-accelerate your body so that it can ascend into the ethereal plane where the PC Master Race resides, and ambient occlusion and chromatic abberation is plentiful.”