I am sorry, but this is a long one.
Tldr: Seemingly interested, Cute coworker asks for my number a day and a half after meeting her, claims to want to learn Linux from me. We go out to do that supposedly, but she ends up expecting us to do separate things until she can’t for reasons. We chat the rest of the night. No Linux lessons learned, no separate work done, she doesn’t appear interested in me in that way from what I interpreted. It was a fun chat and she wants to do it again. What the fuck is going on?
Long version: I work in the tech industry and I have a cute coworker I just met who I for the life of me cannot tell what it is she wants.
Back story: my company has two buildings close by to each other that works with servers. I can’t say what exactly we do but it isn’t super relevant. However, she works at one building and I the other. I had to go over to her building and help out as we were limited on work to do at ours. She is in a technical/managing role and I am a step or two below her.
When helping out, I meet her and she seems enthusiastic to have my help. That’s normal. However, throughout the day she starts to ask me about the tasks and is seemingly testing my skills as well as asking questions she may not have the answer to. We work on completely different systems at the two buildings so there are things to learn from both sides. She is also newish to her role.
First of all, she is really cute/intelligent and of course I am interested in helping her with her little side projects when the main tasks are done/waiting. So she keeps asking me for help on two person tasks. Cool, no complaints there. I am good at my job and she can see that. She seems to be rather friendly after the first day. I go home and have my weekend.
As we are slow still at my building, I volunteer to go help her building because I kinda wanted to see her again. So I ask a manager on their side and they are happy to have my help. She saw my comment about coming over in our work chat and “Hearted” it. I go over and start to help.
She tells me “it is so great to have you here, you make my job so much easier” in what can only describe as an appreciative sigh. Her current staff is new and still missing the skills needed to properly troubleshoot all the types of errors we have. Now, me being a Lemmy user, I have almost a decade of Linux experience under my belt like we all do. I tell her this as it is a very useful skill set in our line of work. She seems surprised and impressed, she wants to learn Linux. I offer if she ever wants to learn, I would be happy to show her.
A few hours of helping later, she walks up to me in the most focused expression I have seen out of her and she asks for my number and if I wanted to get together one day at a library and show her how to use Linux. I was quite startled she asked for my number because I was going to ask her the same thing later in the day. So I said sure, went to lunch dumbfounded and came back with my number on a sheet of paper.
She was very friendly to me the rest of the day. We work out a choice between Monday and Wednesday but she kept using the plural form of days implying this would keep happening.
Cut to Monday and we get together but she seems to want to work on her own thing while I do my own in proximity of each other? She ends up not being able to do her thing for some reason and so we just chat for the next few hours. It was a great chat, some of the most fun I have had in a while. However, she clearly didn’t expect to be doing that and seemed to be disappointed we couldn’t work on our own things and apologized for it.
She had fun, I could see she enjoyed our talk. However, what I couldn’t see was interest in me. You can sometimes tell when someone is interested by how they look at you and respond to the things you do.
The thing that bothers me is that I don’t understand what her goal was. Did she use the excuse of Linux to get close to me? Did she actually only just want to learn Linux and assumed there was no other purpose to our meeting? If so, why didn’t we just do that instead? Why did she want to get together to work on entirely unrelated projects? Why is she interested in doing it again?
I don’t know if I am just stupid and missing something. Maybe she really only just wants to learn Linux so she can be better at her job, she is the type of person to do that. It just bothers me that I can’t see much rhyme or reason in her actions. If she was entirely self motivated to learn from me only, then why not just do that? Why ask me for my number if you didn’t want to do the thing you suggested in the first place? I am just so lost.
Edit: princessleiascat reminded me of something. A week prior to me meeting her, one of my coworkers was learning under her when he went to go help out. Apparently a guy came up to her while this happened and asked her out. She turned him down for the reason it would be inappropriate for her to date someone where there is this power dynamic.
My coworker told me this and that might be the nail in my coffin. However, it is also possible she just used it as an excuse to not have to deal with turning him down more harshly. I could believe both things. Hense more confusion, why make an exception to hang out with me then?
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I think it’s definitely really early to say if they have proper romantic interest in you, given you’ve only known each other about a week? But from your post, it seems like you two have points in common and have a lot to chat about, which is often a good foundation for relationships, friendly and romantic.
In terms of learning Linux, it’s probably ideal to have a bit more of an outline of what you want to start teaching her because it’s a huge jump into a new OS (not that I know much of myself). She may not know where to ask you to start and would appreciate more suggestions from you on where to begin, like telling her “Today, let me show you (practically) how to install (OS) on a system and navigate it” and going off that.
I think the tl;dr would be: Have a Linux lesson plan, expect friendship first. Take it slow.
Hope things go well.
I like your answer.
I actually had my partner read this too, and we’re in agreement, so you’ve got both a male and female opinion here lol:
SHE asked for your number, SHE wanted to spend more time with you. Seems awfully convenient that she wasn’t able to do her work for whatever reason, and instead was content with just chit chatting. Also – hearts are flirty. Especially at work AND you just met the person.
We think she’s interested but you probably didn’t do enough during the hang out, and she didn’t want to embarrass herself, so she just downplayed it.
Our advice is to just ask her out. She seems more forward, so she probably appreciates confidence. “Hey I had fun talking! We should get dinner some time. Are you available?”
I appreciate both of your advice.I think you are right about the confidence thing. I will need to increase that. I just don’t understand why she would set the idea her doing her own thing and then immediately abandoning it if she didn’t need to do it in the first place.
Bc that’s just what girls do bro😂 It’s actually clever on her part. She basically found a way to ask you out without having to ask you out. Or “hang out,” if you prefer. It’s low risk, and basically no way of you rejecting her. She could always default to, ‘well I was just doing my own thing anyway’ lol.
This girl is playing 4D chess while I am trying to figure out how to get in the door.
That’s what you want bud
Bro, I was married before I worked out for sure if my wife liked me or not.
They are so far ahead of us, we’re not even in the game.
The way to increase confidence is to move forward when you’re not feeling confident.
Action comes first, and the feeling follows later. You can’t get around the initial fear; you have to go through it.
I’m a woman in an 80% male profession fwiw. I’m trying to put myself in her situation but obviously all I have to go on is what you’ve said here.
I end up at 2 possible things:
She really wants to learn the work and do it on her own, but she’s still not confident enough to not have someone check her work. She can ask you questions and not feel judged in front of her co-workers at a new job. That’s huge - no telling what her experience there has been like so far. Additionally, while you’re there if any fires pop up, she can count on you to help while she’s genuinely trying to get better at the job herself.
This does not mean that she’s not interested in you - just that her #1 priority is her job performance right now and she’s doing what she has to do to make that happen. It doesn’t mean she’s using you in a malicious manner.
She does like you, and there could be some of #1 mixed in here too, but she doesn’t want to be too obvious in front of her new co-workers and/or have a relationship with a co-worker at a new job. It could make her look like she’s doing it solely to try and get ahead, something that women do get accused of. She probably feels awkward and doesn’t know how to behave…she’s afraid that the people she wants to impress will judge her.
My advice would be to continue to help her and be her friend, but also try to figure out what things are like for her at her job. Does she have any coworkers she likes? Dislikes? Find out why. Is her boss a demanding asshole? That could say a lot.
Don’t rush it and let her get settled in a bit. IMO she’ll appreciate it and it won’t be as jarring as “so are you into me or what?”…please do not do that, especially if she’s already insecure about her job.
This is a very good take. She had told me that she feels imposter syndrome and that she enjoys talking to me. It would also explain some of her behavior. As I work in the tech field, just about everyone has imposter syndrome, so I reassured her that she is great at her job and she’s got this. She really is good at it and I hope she knows it.
I don’t think she is using me in a malicious manner, I mean, I did technically offer that I would teach her. I was just surprised she took up the offer.
Although you reminded me of something. A week prior to me meeting her, one of my coworkers was learning under her when he went to go help out. Apparently a guy came up to her while this happened and asked her out. She turned him down for the reason it would be inappropriate for her to date someone where there is this power dynamic.
My coworker told me this and that might be the nail in my coffin. However, it is also possible she just used it as an excuse to not have to deal with turning him down more harshly. I could believe both things. Hense more confusion, why make an exception to hang out with me then?
A week prior to me meeting her, one of my coworkers was learning under her when he went to go help out. Apparently a guy came up to her while this happened and asked her out. She turned him down for the reason it would be inappropriate for her to date someone where there is this power dynamic.
That’s huge - so she’s already had a negative experience there because of what that guy did.
It’s not necessarily a nail in your coffin - I don’t know what your dynamic is like wrt your jobs, but there’s a chance the other guy appeared out of nowhere & did make her uncomfortable.
There’s also the chance that if he’s a manager or someone with authority, that yeah - that definitely isn’t great at work for her if things turn sour. It’s not an equal relationship.
Try to stop thinking of it like getting her to go out with you is your end goal. Make your goal to be to help her have a positive experience when you’re with her and as a result, at her job.
If you get to be friendly and joke around and find out that you naturally mesh well together, any potential relationship that develops would be more natural and equal. It would be “Hey I like hanging out with you, we should do this more” instead of “Hey girl, I don’t know you but wanna go out?” She wouldn’t be put on the spot in an uncomfortable situation while trying to maintain a good reputation among her coworkers.
She could also still be paranoid about what that guy did - “does he hate me? Does he talk bad about me because I turned him down? omg he’s higher up than me…what if he ends up being my boss one day?” etc etc etc
I know that’s what I would be doing because yay anxiety, but of course I’m just speculating there.
Just be cool and focus on making her feel comfortable around you for a time with no pressure. After that, feel things out and decide if you want to take the next step.
I would like to say you have been very helpful and I think have settled on taking your advice. No matter how this ends, I could still end up with a good friend. I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t be a bit disappointed though. However, that’s life and she has no obligation to me.
Also I have no idea who the guy was or what role he played to her. I assumed it was a lower level employee but you bring up a good point there.
My interpretation was:
- She wanted help learning linux
- Asked OP to help
- While OP is walking over, her boss gives her some urgent task
- So while OP is there she works on that task
She was working on some self assigned homework. So it was not work related.
Looks like you were right, she definitely feels frustrated about being doubted and made to feel stupid. Hasn’t given specifics yet, but I am sure I can get her talking at some point. She said she appreciates being able to bounce ideas off of me without worrying about the above. Good start I would say.
If this shit is what women have to deal with constantly, I am not surprised there are so few of them in my field. Why can’t we all just get along?
Because of the reasons she’s already told you:
- Bounce ideas off of a coworker without having to worry that you have ulterior motives
- Be appreciated for her work
- Be treated as an equal and not as a conquest
I hope things work out :)
Edit: after a deep conversation with her I am beginning to think what I suggested is probably a bad move and I should just stick to the course you recommended. She told me she likes me because of how I act and the things I do and and most important to this conversation, the things I don’t. She doesn’t believe I have any ulterior motives. Which I am not sure that is the case as I am interested, but I guess I will not ask her. That seems like it would just kill our current relationship. If it happens at all, it will just be natural.
I would go along with it and hang out and don’t expect anything more. At worst, you have a fun new friend whom you like to hang out with --that’s a win! Since she has no problems making the first move, if she wants this to be more, she’ll let you know. Just have fun with your new friend!
She probably doesn’t have some goal or plan. She’s probably just like: this guy seems like he’s got his act together. And he’s kind of interesting. What does he like, Linux? Hey, want to hang out and talk about Linux? Oh shit I got some work to do instead for a while. Whew that’s done, hey let’s chat for a while. Hey that was fun, let’s do it again sometime.
You can sometimes tell when someone is interested by how they look at you and respond to the things you do.
Maybe. I could never tell. A lot of times they weren’t sure themselves.
Yeah, if I had to guess, she is currently trying to figure out what she wants. Or I could be completely wrong and the girl is just hungry for Linux knowledge. Which is also great because we need more of those kind of people.
She’s hungry for that systemd.
Sounds like you have a great new friend. Engage in hobbies together and hangout. If there’s chemistry, things will happen naturally. But don’t make it weird. Accept she’s a whole person, not just a “potential mate” and do the same as if it were a dude.
Was about to say the same thing.
Happy to save you a fraction of a percent of RSI :D
There’s a saying, “Don’t shit where you eat.” I can’t comment on the feelings involved, but I’d urge you to not seek romance or sex at work. People go to work to work - go somewhere else to find a relationship.
Do you know how many couples meet at work? Well, I don’t know the exact number either but it’s a lot.
Do you know how many work couples ultimately fail? Well, I don’t know the exact number either but it’s a lot.
And if there is one thing worse than the end of a relationship it would be the end of a relationship and the end of a career.
I generally agree with that sentiment. However, it is easier said than done when you are lonely and you found a diamond in the rough.
We don’t truely work together either. At the end of the month, I will not be going back to the other building. We will not interact in any capacity at work.
Casually Explained as relevant as ever
Lol, I was hoping someone would get my reference.
Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
Casually Explained as relevant as ever
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I’m open-source; check me out at GitHub.
I detect a hint of panic and feel like you’re overcooking this.
Rhyme: she’s establishing a pattern along which you can spend time together.
Reason: you helped her out with Linux and she reciprocated with some friend time. That is mutually valuable whether you realize it or not.
Next time you’re hanging out go get burgers or something. Don’t treat human relationships like computer systems, they don’t work the same and the sooner you figure this out the better all your relationships romantic or otherwise will be.
Congrats, you hit the nail on the head. I am panicked because I have never met someone like her who also happens to be heavily interested in similar topics as myself. In my panic to not fuck up, it has a real great chance of leading to the thing I was trying to prevent.
Fortunately, I am self aware enough to not cause problems while talking to her. I am actually fairly decent with my social skills as I think that’s what got me here in the first place. It is the time in between seeing her that has me worried. My mind starts to wander into intrusive thought territory.
I only read your first paragraph, but just be up front and ask her?
“hey I think you’re cute but I don’t want to misconstrue your signals and make things awkward at work, are you interested in me or are you just looking for a friend?”
Although if she is in your chain of command, do not pursue. Nothing good can come of that.
God that is awkward to do, but would likely put this madness to rest. We are both professionals and I would like to think we could handle it as such.
I was looking for advice to know if I should even try or just assume a friendly relationship only.
Yes it’ll be awkward for the moment, but it’s also a mature way to handle this. You won’t see her after the next month, so what do you have to lose?
Above all else be polite and be respectful. If she says she’s interested then you can immediately ask her out for a proper date afterwards. If she says no then “oh well, glad I asked! Want to be friends?” (or not, your call, but she might have cute friends)
Women like confidence. If you’re both insecure and dancing around each other, nothing will happen.
She is a lot of fun to be around so I would still want to be friends. Pulling the bandaid off is probably the best course of action. Although I am wondering if I should try to increase her fondness of me first to improve my odds.
I have a feeling if you “game this out” beforehand it might result in the opposite. In my humble opinion I would just ask her out.
Btw let’s be clear, not an easy thing to ask someone out and it will be awkward (was for me too). But no matter what happens, it’s always better when everyone is on the same page.
I agree.
Stop turning this into something it is not. This is work. She is not interested in you, she’s just good at her job.
She’s senior to you. Stop turning this into a sackable offence, for one or both of you.
If she is willing to ask for my number and meet me on my off days to chat, it is not a stretch to want to see what her motivations are and if they match my own. In our case it would likely be more frowned upon than firable. That’s a chance I am willing to take if she is.
Also we don’t really work together so she is not my boss. I just happened to help out for a short time. She may never see me at work again for all I know.
She wanted your number for work purposes because phones are how we contact people in the modern era. There is absolutely no reason to think she is interested and absolutely no upside to thinking she is.
Do not make her working life difficult and do not get yourself on a disciplinary. Forget about it.
That doesn’t even make any sense, I don’t work for her. I just offered to help. Even if she did need to talk to me, she would use teams chat as electronics are not allowed in the area, only work laptops. I didn’t mention that earlier because it didn’t seem necessary.
I also am hourly so nobody calls me when I am not working. She also isn’t using it for that purpose either.
Yeah man these people saying “definitely no interest” are wrong. It seems like interest, but it’s certainly possible that there’s none.
I got some very simple advice: just ask her out. It might not be the “perfect” advice, because some women don’t like to be asked out directly, liking keeping it ambiguous or whatever, but I personally would be annoyed by that. If the other person disagrees to a simple dinner or walk on the park or whatever, then obviously the interest is not large enough or there are some other issues I wouldn’t like to deal with.
One of the few sane people in this comment section.
I don’t want to want to judge OP too harshly but this is a common problem with women in STEM spaces where they’re treated as romantic interests rather than professional acquaintances. That alone is problematic, but it becomes a lot worse when the man expresses interest, puts his coworker in awkward position, and then treats her differently because she “rejected” him. Most men are not overtly hostile to coworkers who turn them down but it comes out in subtle ways that can disrupt a workplace. I’ve seen it myself, where a male coworker developed a crush on someone in the office that wasn’t reciprocated and the male coworker will not work with her because he’s offended or embarrassed about her not being interested. He hasn’t outright said that he refuses to work with her, but he suddenly becomes withdrawn and quiet when she’s in the same room as him.
It’s fine to be attracted to a coworker, but it’s best to keep those feelings to yourself. As a man in STEM, I have multiple female workers that I find attractive, funny, and interesting, but I recognize that they’re at the office to work, not to be hit on.
Aside from the creepiness factor of pursuing a coworker, it reinforces the idea that STEM is a boy’s club and that women are not welcome. That perception needs to be broken because we need strong engineers regardless of gender. To speak from personal experience again, the company I work at has a culture of making women uncomfortable in subtle ways, which has discouraged innovation and hurt our success.
Assuming:
- you’re not actually in charge of her or hold some other position of seniority that she’s trying to suck up to…
and
- There’s no other legal or ethical or moral reason you shouldn’t be getting involved like that and no workplace policies that would get you or both of you fired…
I would try (as casually as possible):
“Hey I won’t take it personal if the answer is no but you seem really cool, are you interested in getting to know each other outside of work?”
If the answer is no,“Alright! I won’t bring it up again!” And either move on to the next subject or go wherever you were going to go next and just act like it never happened from then on out.
If the answer is yes pick the closest cafe that’s not a chain and is rated at least 3 stars and ask when she’s free. Asker pays for askee but don’t fight her if she wants to pay.
Best of luck.
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She is in a higher position than I am, I just have a skillset she doesn’t.
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As far as I know, that is not the case.
I already got together with her outside of work on non-related work tasks.
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Sounds like she’s genuinely interested in learning more about Linux from you, and also is into you. The “sorry we didn’t get more done” was just cover since you didn’t make a move towards next stage.
If you like her, I’d say do another hangout, you try to keep it more fun and conversational, and if she reciprocates that vibe again, then confidently make a move towards next steps. Something like “I really enjoy hanging out together, want to get dinner Wednesday after work?”
Good luck champ 😉
I skimmed it but honestly I would just feel things out its kinda early to tell. Continue to hangout and if sparks fly then good, if not at least you have a work friend to hangout with. Just keep things PG because she is still a coworker even though she’s from a different building.
Had a similar situation happen to me. We kept it professional/casual until I straight up asked her if she was flirting. It only took a few seconds to get over the awkwardness after that. No regrets.
Play it out casual/professional for a while and then ask yourself again if she’s flirting, and if you’re still interested.
