Have you ever seen the indy movie Citizen Ruth with Laura Dern? I actually knew the guy who played her meth-head boyfriend, and the fat-ass biker escort later on in the movie.

Santa is the most communist of communists; giving gifts to all children just for being “good”.

This is how I started questioning the existence of Santa, even kids I knew were little bastards got all the good gifts.

“You haven’t beeeeen?”

I remember reading this quote a few years ago (probably Reddit), but I don’t remember if attribution was given. Kudos to you CAVOK.

One place I worked at was my 3rd or 4th print shop. Years ago, to save money on production costs, we would have to “gum the plates”. This involved cleaning and then “gumming” sets of used plates so they could be reused later. Once while at the plated gumming station I was gumming a set of six plates we had used to print a 6-color job. I was a helper on the six-color, but two color presses only had one man crews. One guy pipes up and tells me: “Hey, new guys have to gum all our plates.”

“Yeah? Bite me!”

“No, really!” this dickhead said.

“No, really!” I answered while grabbing my crotch in the universal gesture of disrespect.

Gatormobile. I can easily imagine the owner supplementing his income by poaching alligators in Florida or Louisiana.

“Now give me back my rights, you baldy bastard!”

My dipfuck younger brother once stuck some chicken wire in an outlet, and scared the shit out of himself. I had acquired the chicken wire in order to make a turtle trap, that ended up working too well.

If you live near Pawtucket,

Do not drink from the communal bucket.

The local water stinks,

So I only drinks,

Bottled water or vodka, so fuck it.

I wasn’t, fuck Jerry Seinfeld. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxyw38tODKg

Seinfeld isn’t that funny. This was a Carlin joke.

What if you could use a baseball bat? Maybe with nails in it.

Don’t I know it! I’m diabetic.

Peanuts are legumes which means that peanut butter is basically sweetened bean dip.

They can keep the fucking thing with all of these dogshit “AAA” games that come out half baked and/or dark pattern tricks to try and fuck you out of even more money. I’m glad I never bothered with Diablo 4 or POE 2.

We need more Louis Gs.

I feel you brother. Nobody respects the idea that night shifters need sleep too. I met my gf over 20 years ago. We worked together on night shift, so she understood the trials and tribulations of night shift workers. She became disabled soon after, and no longer worked. About 10 years ago I was asleep, and was awakened by BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, in the kitchen. I get up to see what the fuck was going on. She’s standing at the counter trying to open a jar of pickles by smacking the lid on said counter. I must have cussed her out for five straight minutes. “Did you really need some fucking pickles that goddam bad?” and "goddammit woman, you know better, " were among the choice phrases I had for her.

Taking turns getting pineapple suppositories with Ronald Reagan, I hope. Fuck the Gipper too!

• Omar El Akkad

That’s what happens when you cheap out on the wet food, Debbie.