I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I’m trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it’s like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.
One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that’s important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don’t matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I’m doing it on purpose (which I’m not).
My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I’m out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there’s something outside of my control).
Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it’s from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can’t remember that.
When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.
My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they’d also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn’t have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn’t a definitive agreement.
My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn’t aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.
When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner’s room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they’re going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn’t care.
We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn’t a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they’d wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.
I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I’m trying, I’m really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.
PS: I really know belittling someone’s feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn’t know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn’t think of it.
!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It’s not just about being late - it’s about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn’t know or didn’t anticipate that they’d wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!
I think if you can access that still part of yourself that knows what is true and right for you then you already must have a strong sense of what you need to do. You have the right to surround yourself with people who love you for what you are right now, not for what they hope you might become in the future to suit their needs. I get a sense from how you wrote this post that you have an inkling that this relationship cannot give you what you want. Also, that it cannot give your partner what they want. Maybe it’s just that you’ve arrived in that fork in the road where your journey together is simply at an end. I hope you find a way to love your neurospicyness and that you find someone who will enjoy it with you.
Thank you <3 <3 <3
So… the dishes were important enough for your partner to berate you about them multiple times, but not important enough for them to do the washing-up while you were out? Are they always your responsibility? Did you have a mutual conversation and understanding about chore division, or has your partner implicitly or explicitly assigned certain chores to you?
What measures of responsibility does your partner take for their own sleep? Sleep mask? Ear plugs? White noise? Weighted blanket? Other measures? Or is it all on you to accommodate them?
Would offering to sleep on the couch if you come home after they’re asleep feel like a reasonable compromise for you?
Does having a curfew set for you by your partner seem like a normal thing to you? Are you surprised that people here think it’s not normal?
Does your partner regularly use belittling or derogatory language towards you as you’ve detailed here? Does it feel to you that using such language is justified by your ADHD?
Does this situation seem like a one-off thing, or is it often a problem that you have not read your partner’s mind?
I think you’ve got some important questions to ask yourself here.
The dishes are my responsibility as it’s my partner who usually does the cooking and I do the dishes. But you’re 100% correct about there being some important questions I have to ask myself.
Your partner sounds like they have zero regard for your feelings or challenges, and care only if you are doing what THEY want, at all times. That said, you should be setting reminders. For EVERYTHING. All the time. Apple Watch is fantastic for me for this, but find something that works for you. All that being said, I’m jealous you have a partner.
Thanks for the advice, reminders are great - I agree! I’ve been setting reminders on my phone for pretty much anything but in this situation I wasn’t aware there was something to set a reminder for. I thought being home by 9:15 would also be okay.
It sounds like they failed to communicate a change in their expectations. Do they always go to bed earlier on nights they’ve been up since 5:30? If not, how could you have known that day in question would change? If they do, make the necessary mental notes and tell them it would help if they could remind you they were up early if that’s the case.
Yeah, I think pretty much always but they don’t often get up so early, so it’s not a situation that happens a lot. Looking back I could have assumed it but I’m extremely bad at thinking ahead & anticipating things. I can make a mental note for the future but I just wasn’t aware of it yesterday.
Not financial advice and i do not have adhd.
Being neurodivergent is not a choice, so having to feel sorry for yourself, over something out of your control, seems like a bad idea.
I think it’s fine that you try to cater to a neurotypical partner, but i feel like she could be more understanding of it.
If your partner feels hurt over how your brain literally works, maybe she is not understanding enough.
I would try to let my partner know how my brain works, if you are fine with it nice, otherwise maybe staying together is detrimental to both of us.
Wish you luck!
I am starting to think that maybe we just don’t work together because even though I’m trying I will keep fucking up and hurting them and I’m starting to think that maybe we can’t give each other what we need, even though it’s breaking my heart and my partner has been understanding in other regards. But feeling like their needs aren’t considered is a sore spot for them. Which I understand. Which is why I try my best. But I keep forgetting things or I keep not being able to think ahead enough and it makes them feel like they don’t matter.
Do you have the feeling that YOUR feelings are being adequately considered?
That is a very important question to ask yourself.
From many comments you see the suggestion you might be in an unhealthy relationship, and it might be not you who is wrong. However you feel the need to explain to others that your partner has a kind of “excuse”, the migraines. Only the two of you know how your relationship feels like, so only you can know whether it is something worth to continue, or is hurting at least one of you enough that breakup would be better.
You make an impression that YOU TRY YOUR BEST. Your partner must trust you enough to accept that THIS IS THE BEST THEY WILL EVER GET.
If they cannot learn to accept that, you should probably break up. But of course you gotta communicate and verbalize so your partner can know how your reasoning was and that you cared and that you tried.
I’ve been together with my partner for over 10 years. Since I got my ADHD diagnosis like 2 years ago and she learned that it’s not like I am not trying, but I just can’t meet her standards because my brain is literally wired in a different way. And she understood. And our relationship, which was already pretty good, immediately got much much better. Because she started accepting that certain of my quirks are not fixable. And she trusts me enough that I’m honest when I do my best vs. I’m not trying or caring and do not even want to try. We distinguish between “me” (there we can discuss and argue) and things that are “because of ADHD” (there she knows the fight is futile and expecting something from me I can never do is a setup for disappointment).
That is the way this works, between ADHD and a non-ADHD partner. My partner also has her share of “quirks” and struggles, which in turn require my acceptance. You need to talk very openly, and trust each other that you are being honest with yourselves and them.
I know this post probably isn’t the full story, but from what you’ve written, it your partner seems narcissistic and controlling. It sounds like they’re unwilling or unable to extend you grace, or see things your way, but expects you to confirm to their needs.
I think it’s pretty unreasonable for them to have a curfiew for you, and even more unreasonable that they’re angry about you being a half hour later than they assumed. (not to mention that you were literally at a group that you chose to go to specifically to be a better partner)
Also they get angry at you when you do the dishes, right after they told you to, even though they weren’t sleeping? That’s not normal behaviour. A mature person would simply talk to you in the morning, not start a fight (I’m sure a fight has 10x the effect on sleep compared to distant sounds of running water for 5 mins) Even if sleep is really that important to them, it’s unfair to expect you to tiptoe around them. Have they even tried white noise, or earplugs?
They texted me back about the dishes but then when I got home said they were gonna lie down (= go to sleep) now, which I did at first interpret as “don’t do the dishes now anymore” but since I saw they still light on when I came back with the dog ten minutes later I thought maybe I could do some of the dishes seeing as they were still awake. But then they got super mad “why are you doing the dishes now when I just now said I was going to sleep?”
Your not making it sound any better. It almost seems like you’re held hostage. This kind of behavior would piss me off like crazy, especially since I need the night time to myself. Its the only time of the day when I can finally relax and just do me-things.
Talk to your partner. If that doesn’t help, maybe suggest couple’s therapy. If they don’t comply, then it is a very one-sided thing and that’s not going to end well. I don’t know the whole story, so this may come off as harsh, but it is the information you’re giving us, which at the very least indicates that you’re not happy with the situation.
It’s not your fault that you have ADHD. Having ADHD doesn’t make you a bad person. All of my favorite people in my life have ADHD, except for my wife. But she is very understanding and helps me out a great deal. I try my best to repay that. Of course there are occasions where she’s fed up with my forgetfulness and whatnot, but that’s normal.
All the best to you, I hope you’ll work things out together!
Like I said, that’s not reasonable behavior. They didn’t clearly communicate what they expected from you, and then got angry about it. Also, if you didn’t do the dishes, I wonder if they would have been angry about that instead. From what you’re describing, it sounds like you made a very reasonable decision. But even if you were in the wrong (I don’t think you were), it’s still partly on them– ND people tend to need more concrete, direct communication, and it doesn’t sound like your partner is making an effort to communicate with you effectively
Really though, I can’t imagine getting angry at someone for doing chores, unless it was super loud like vacuuming. It’s not like doing dishes makes much noise.
Why does your partner expect you to bend over backward for them, when they are unwilling to do the same for you? Why are they expecting you to structure your whole life around them, when they aren’t taking any steps to coexist with you? (If something as quiet as you doing dishes in the other room keeps them up, why aren’t they using white noise and earplugs? You shouldn’t be expected to try to match their sleep schedule)
Also, I still think it’s a bit crazy that they expect you home by 9:00, and 30min late is inexcusable. I assume that I’m younger than you, but with my friends it’s not uncommon to show up an hour late, and stay out until 1.
Yeah, my takeaway from this post wasn’t “ADHD is tough”, it was “this makes me appreciate being single”. To me, going to bed early because your partner needs to get up early the next morning is a huge favour for them, not something they should feel entitled to fight about.
These are tiny, day-to-day things many couples fight over. It’s quirks and characteristics that are learned about each other over a long period of time.
Yes, you should keep in mind your partner’s needs and they should reciprocate. Having eyes for each other also means noticing and keeping track of the little things that keep repeating and establish a pattern.
Whether one keeps track of things for the both of you or you each keep track in different ways, the point is that both of you bring something that makes up for what the other lacks.
A long term relationship requires reasonable compromises that the participants can grow to be comfortable with. That doesn’t mean there won’t be arguments, because as individuals you will occasionally feel the need to refresh your individualism. But for every win there will need to be a smaller, if not equal concession in another way to maintain the veneer of equality.
Long story short, it’s good when you’re communicating. Argue, make up, talk and cuddle… it will go on as long as you want it to go.
Cuddling has become a thing of the past :(
As long as you’re still in a relationship, it doesn’t have to be just a thing of the past . It can also be a thing of the future, but only if you’re willing to make it a thing of the present…
I was thinking of posting that I was in a relationship where my partner regularly got cross with me for not figuring out what she wanted or needed “You could tell I would…” No, no I could not. (I think I’m mildly neurodivergent with aspects of ADHD and asperger’s.) The thing is that I was always in trouble for not anticipating my partners wants and needs, but I found it upsetting to be berated for not reading minds. Getting cross with me for being out doing perfectly normal things but later than expected for better, but I wanted to warn you that I found that affection was increasingly frequently withheld for my crimes and we completely lost our love life. It was We ended up friends, but not lovers.
Things that stood out to me include telling you that you had to do the washing up and then being cross that you did it. That was set up exactly so that there was absolutely no way that you could avoid being shouted at.
I worry that you both believe that everything is your fault and nothing is your partner’s fault, and I’m particularly concerned that there is anger and shouting in your home that you had absolutely no way of stopping happening and that your partner is blaming you for that happening.
There’s a book/pdf called “Why does he do that?” that I’ve come across online that’s written to help women who are in abusive and controlling relationships (with men) come to an understanding that that’s what’s happening to them, and that they can’t win because not being able to predict what will upset their partner to the point of emotional or physical abuse is by design. I don’t think this is the situation you’re in, but it has echoes of it. I don’t think that being emotionally manipulative or abusive is exclusive to men, but I think the book is worth reading anyway.
Something needs to change and I’m not at all convinced it’s even remotely close to being all your fault that’s there’s shouting and withheld affection in your relationship.
…Even leaving aside how your partner seems to communicate poorly then blame you for any misinterpretations without taking any responsibility for their own bad communication…
Why does your partner need you to be in bed before they can go to sleep? That’s really weird.
Like, you know how I handle this when I’m in your partner’s position? I say “cool, sounds fun, please do the dishes when you get in, I’ll probably be asleep by then.” If I wake up a little when they get in, I roll over and cuddle. Done.
It sounds almost like there’s another reason they want you home, that they don’t trust you or something.
Like, you know how I handle this when I’m in your partner’s position? I say “cool, sounds fun, please do the dishes when you get in, I’ll probably be asleep by then.” If I wake up a little when they get in, I roll over and cuddle. Done.
I bet that my heart was not the only one to skip a beat reading that. There are so many people stuck in toxic relationships that have no idea that such a healthy response is possible. They either brace for impact or preemptively attack in self defense.
The problem - and as a light and sensitive sleeper I can relate to this - is that when I come home after they go to sleep I will wake them up and then they have trouble falling asleep again. I know sleep is a sensitive issue for them (for me as well, but maybe not as much) because not enough or interrupted sleep is a major migraine trigger for them, so coming home at a certain time isn’t an issue for me personally. I, too, like to be asleep around 10 pm. But this time I didn’t know I was supposed to be home earlier.
Okay, that’s fair.
“I didn’t know I was supposed to be home earlier” is kind of a weird sentence to hear an adult say, though. Like, that sounds like you don’t have a choice in the matter, like your partner gets to decide things unilaterally and you’re left hastily rushing to catch up.
Usually what I try to do is, when tempers aren’t high, work with my partner—outline the problem and work together, the two of us fighting against the problem. Explore the boundaries here, get creative—can you sleep in another room? Is it motion, is it sound, is it light that wake them up? Can you minimize that enough to learn how to not wake them up, or can they find earplugs/a sleep mask that help from their side?
It doesn’t sound like ADHD is the problem here, honestly. It sounds like your partner has you in kind of an unwinnable situation, and the best way to fix that is to renegotiate the rules of the game.
Yeah, it is kind of a weird sentence. The thing is, I spend most evenings at home anyway - reading or watching films - so I’m usually in bed quite early myself. And when they have an exhausting day coming up (as was the case) it’s even less of an issue because I want to do what I can to help them have a good night’s sleep. But I do sometimes feel like I’m in an unwinnable situation and we have already several times reached a point where we thought things between us didn’t have a future… maybe that’s something to come to terms with. We’ve been together for 10 years and the first few years were very good but now it feels like a completely different life and the good memories a distant echo.
A light sleeper needs accommodations - not for you to have to be silent. Earplugs and a sleep mask, a white noise machine, blackout curtains, whatever - manage the environment so they can sleep soundly. We live in the world and if you want to live with someone it’s not going to be silent all the hours you want to sleep.
Again - I get how they can feel so hopeless about migraine, it does feel debilitating. That’s on them to manage though.
This is unlikely to be the only time your schedules don’t align. Y’all need a plan that works, not blame.
Like others are saying, we don’t have the full story, but from this your partner sounds like they don’t understand / take account of your needs and abilities. But you’ve said in another reply that they’re considerate at other times.
Something to add is that stuff about sleep is highly emotional for lots of people. I’m the adhd one, but I have a much earlier body clock than my partner. If I’ve been up early and want to go to bed, I want to go NOW, but they like us to get ready for bed together, which just ends up with me hassling them to go to bed and I often get irrationally angry with them because I’m worried about not getting enough sleep and my next day being ruined and so on. But I make a specific effort to try and mask that because I know it’s irrational, and they have their own sleep issues, that I want to be supportive of… But when you’re tired and worried about sleep it’s hard to stay reasonable. So, just worth keeping in mind when thinking about their reactions, that they themselves might see that they were being overly sensitive?
Yeah sleep is super emotional for them because it plays such a huge role for their well-being. The migraine attacks they suffer are crippling and often accompanied by vertigo - it’s seriously not a joke and as a person who’s sensitive to sound myself when I want to sleep I can totally relate.
You’re not a mind reader. If they wanted to go to bed earlier cuz they got up early they should have told you that. Being a little late doesn’t justify their reaction in my opinion. If they want you home by x time they need to clearly request that. Even if they request that it doesn’t mean you have to agree. They shouldn’t be setting a curfew for you, imo.
Yeah maybe you should ask what your partner wanted, either dishes or sleep. But again you’re not a mind reminder. I would say it’s more of them to tell you clearly what they want. In this case if they wanted you to do dishes or go to bed early.
Overall your partner doesn’t sound like they are communicating healthly.
It sounds like you’re trying very hard and she’s not meeting you halfway. You can try to educate her more on the condition if she’s willing but doesn’t sound great. My partner does a lot to actively learn about my condition and adapt to it. And I do the same for her conditions.
I have ADHD, as does my wife. Here’s what we’ve learned.
First and foremost, handle your ADHD. It doesn’t just go away on its own. You might medicate it away for awhile, but it’s progressive and it’ll be back. You need a combination of strategy, lifestyle changes, and medication. A therapist experienced with ADHD is great, but literature exists if therapy isn’t affordable.
My wife is a great example of what not to do. She never pursued therapy, doesn’t take great care of herself, and never developed any coping strategies past popping more pills without taking medication breaks. Now she’s at the maximum dose of adderall combined with strattera and it’s not cutting it. Since her ADHD is out of control, she’s having difficulty developing strategies to handle her situation and it is torture for both of us. Similarly, if you have any emotional trauma, get on that now. These things only become more impactful and harder to handle with time.
No one makes assumptions. We don’t make inferences, we don’t play guessing games, we don’t try to read minds. If one partner doesn’t directly request something, they have no right to be upset if they don’t get it. If one doesn’t directly state something, they have no right to be upset if it isn’t understood. It’s nice when my partner anticipates my needs, but it’s unreasonable to expect them to.
Have regular, formalized meetings to discuss needs and the state of your relationship. Important communications are finalized in impersonal, precise, “business style” writing and made accessible. We’ve had far too many agreements that led to conflict when it turned out someone later mixed up details or never understood to begin with. We have a giant dry erase board in the dining room where important reminders are left.
This is good advice, thank you <3 I am handling my ADHD, I’ve started medication and going to therapy. Those formalized meetings were also an idea I had, I definitely want to put that into action. If we still have a future together… the past couple years and my untreated ADHD have taken a heavy toll and I feel like both our feelings have already been badly damaged :(
What matters most is you’re doing something now! My wife and I have been together for over a decade and she’s only now starting to really work on her issues. I love her and we’re still together. She’s also not the sole source of issues, just the main source of ADHD issues, which is why she was thrown under the bus (for educational purposes). I contribute plenty, just as I suspect your partner does too. Don’t beat yourself up.
One thing that has been helpful for me is taking an objective as possible accounting of positive and negative contributions to the relationship, with what is being done to address anything seriously negative. It’s a good reference when I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed or am mentally beating myself or my wife up, which is never helpful.
I don’t understand why your partner didn’t just like, go to bed. Why did you need to be there?
Because when I come home when they’re already asleep I will wake them up and they have trouble falling asleep again. And apart from not enough sleep being a migraine trigger they also had a really exhausting day ahead of them the next day, so I can understand wanting to have undisturbed sleep.
It’s impossible to have perfect sleep every night. Maybe work towards your partner sound proofing the room so they don’t get woken up as easily. Maybe sleep in separate rooms. Many times you can find other solutions.
One of the biggest things that disturbs my sleep is… having someone else in the same bed. What do they do when you get up to piss in the middle of the night, or get a glass of water? There is an obvious solution - sleep in different rooms/beds.
We already sleep in separate rooms but I’m a clumsy person and when I come home I can’t guarantee I won’t accidentally drop something or bump into something and wake them up. I’d love to be quiet like a ninja but I’m really very much not.
So wait, you guys sleep in separate rooms but you still need to go to bed at the same time? And you can’t even wash the dishes becuase it’s too loud? At 9:30pm at night? This is just not acceptable. So one change in your working hours to a later time would implode everything? Your man needs a white noise machine, or ear plugs. If he can’t sleep through another person doing the dishes in another room, that’s a him problem.
I have lots of Autistic and ADHD friends. Yes, we can be loud without meaning to, but I doubt even my noises ADHD friend would stop me from being able to sleep by hand washing the dishes. Whatever you do, whatever happens NEVER EVER NEVER have a child with this man. He will implode and you will be charged with the horrible crime of having the baby make noise at night when he is SleEpInG. How you to have a dog is beyond me. Does she never make noise at night?
Your man
This is funny, because the behaviors OP is describing sound a lot more like the behaviors of a woman to me. But then I noticed that OP has very consistently referred to the other person in the relationship as “their partner” and “they” throughout the thread.
Aw fuck you’re right, my brain glossed right over that for some damn reason. Sorry, I fucked up.
Your partner needs to see a doctor about their inability to sleep soundly through the night. That’s really about it.
I’m sorry to say this, but your partner doesn’t seem very supportive. This will likely have to be a conversation between you two before it gets worse. This thing is probably racing around in your head because your relationship is important. So it’s all the more important to talk to your partner about these things.
It’s your job to manage your life and your condition. In this example you were doing that by going to the group and doing the dishes upon your return, and by communicating when you realized you would be a little late.
Similarly, it is your partner’s job to manage their life and their condition. You are not responsible for their migraines, they need to have a plan for the controlled sleep schedule they need, if that’s their trigger, a plan that doesn’t depend on you having the same schedule.
The argument, that is your fail I agree, but it wouldn’t have happened if they’d just left you the kitchen to clean and gone to bed, and woken up to a clean kitchen. Who could be unhappy with that?
Sometimes when people say they can’t do things because of the ADHD it does sound like they are just getting out of unpleasant tasks by dumping them on someone else, sure. That is NOT what you are doing here. A 20 minute delay is not a ridiculous offront.
My accommodation with the husband - I do cook supper, he cleans after. Supper is done when it’s done, not at a scheduled time but in a window of “evening”. If I cannot cook I communicate this in time for him to get us takeout. If he cannot clean he lets me know in time so I can do it.
Y’all need a good calm talk, not an argument. It’s possible you aren’t a good fit but from this post it reads like you are holding up your end of the relationship. Migraine really sucks, I get them and understand. But they cannot blame them on your 20 minute delay, that is ridiculous.
Your partner has mental disabilities themselves that neither of you are aware of that you are compensating for on top of your own issues
Obviously you can’t put every little detail here in this post, so I’m going purely off your side of the story and what details are available, just keep this in mind if you happen to ponder my reply.
A few things jumped out to me. First being that it seems you’re trying hard to accommodate your partners condition (this really is amazing of you, so don’t ever discount yourself in that regard), but they don’t seem to be very accommodating towards your condition (ADHD). It can be hard sometimes with mental disabilities as they’re occasionally seen as “invisible” conditions or “made up to excuse bad behavior”, but I promise you, it’s 100% real and isn’t just a matter of willpower or something. It seems you already know this though, but maybe your partner doesn’t. Have they ever said anything that comes off that they think that? It may be worth thinking about.
Another thing that jumped out to me, is that there was a few incidents of implied meanings or that you were expected to “read their mind” like with the shifted sleep schedule. Yeah, I see their POV, they woke up earlier, therefore they’d get tired earlier, but unless that was communicated, you don’t know that was what should’ve happened. Honestly, this wasn’t you being slow on the uptake or something, this was a lack of communication on your partners end. MAYBE you could’ve asked if they wanted to go to bed earlier that night, but it shouldn’t be EXPECTED unless explicitly stated at some point.
No one can make decisions for you unfortunately, even if we’d like someone to take that stress away from us at times, but I will say that it is important you really try and look at things in your life and potentially prepare for a tough decision or outcome. I do hope things work out for you and your partner, whatever that looks like for both of you moving forward.
Stay strong, and continue to reach out to that support group, sounds like it might be helpful for you! I don’t always advise reaching out to random Internet people, but if anything, I’m sure a lot of us in this community would be happy to help/listen to a fellow person going through life with similar struggles.
Thank you so much. I think my partner does understand that ADHD is a severe disability but even though they tell me that they don’t expect me to become like a person who doesn’t have ADHD I feel like they don’t understand that even when I’m trying my best I will do things that are maybe forgetful or don’t make sense to them at so some extent that has to be OK. Not grudgingly accepted but OK. I’m really trying my best and I know there are still behaviors and patterns I struggle with (I still tend to immediately give excuses when I forgot something instead of just saying I forgot) but I’m really trying. But I’m never going to not have ADHD.
