I don’t really know who to talk to right now and posting here seems a good idea.
So, like the title says, I think my marriage is over. For context: Me (F42) and my wife have been married for 9 years. We got married not even a year into our relationship and I had no idea back then that I had ADHD. Did we get married too soon? Yes and no. The problems didn’t really start until around year 5, so even if we had gotten married after, say, three years, the outcome would have been the same.
Around two and a half years ago my wife suggested that I may have ADHD after things had started getting worse and worse. But although I was open to the idea it took me a year to get off my butt and get diagnosed and start treatment. Precious time that I wasted.
Now I’ve been on meds for a year and in therapy for around 9 months. Some things have gotten better but the core problem remains: My wife feels responsible for everything, is shouldering pretty much all the mental load and I seem to be unable to become the reliable adult partner that she needs. ADHD or the way I handle it has completely eroded our marriage and the love we had between us. My wife feels exhausted and trapped and I feel helpless because I feel like I maybe moved up a level or two in my “adulting skills” but I’d need to be a Level 10 to make our marriage work. Or make any marriage work, for that matter.
I feel extremely sad. I feel sad about the suffering I have caused my wife, who really tried to stick it out. Probably longer than she should have for her own good. Sad because I’ve been trying really hard and I see some people who have ADHD but who also seem to have an “overachiever personality” and they have their shit together so much more than I do. Sad because I wasted a whole year doing nothing. Sad because we used to be so happy together and used to love each other so much and now all that seems to be left is bitterness and resentment.
😢
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who has has already commented and shared kind words with me.
My wife and I have been going over this many many times. I know what she needs and I am trying and a feel fucking sad about the fact that, maybe, we just can’t make it work. But I also realize I’m starting to reach a point where being on my own is beginning to sound liberating. I’ve never had a problem with being single and I feel like at least then there isn’t anyone I can disappoint anymore. It’s just me and if I fuck up the only person having to face the consequences is me.
I just feel really bad because I feel I have cost my wife so much. She would have wanted to have kids and I’ve always been on the fence about it. I used to absolutely not want to have kids when we met, then kinda came around to the idea (when you’re super in love it does become a kinda wonderful idea) but then gradually starting feeling more and more uncertain. And now I’m at a point where, regardless of whether or not I want to have kids (I don’t have a desire to have them but could imagine having them) I don’t think I’m capable of raising kids. If we had broken up sooner my wife might have had a better chance at having kids with someone else.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been feeling awful myself. I feel like I’m under constant pressure because I want to “prove myself” and the more I worry about fucking up the more tense I get. The best moment of the day is when I go to bed because then I don’t have to do anything for the next 8 hours, just rest and sleep. Can’t mistakey if not awakey :P
And our relationship has been deteriorating for so long and we’ve both become so fed up with each other. My wife is fed up with me because I’m not who she needs me to be and I’m fed up with her because I feel like even if I try to manage something myself, take care of something myself, I don’t do it the right way. Sometimes it really isn’t (last week I almost set the oven on fire) but sometimes it’s just a minor thing.
Maybe, as sad as it is, we’re better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.
I strongly agree with the suggestion to do couples counseling. ADHD is a sonofabitch that makes us work twice as hard just to get half a far as someone without ADHD. There’s legitimately only so much we can do, despite our strong feelings of having the squandered opportunity to do more. NT people will never be able to understand what it’s like to have ADHD, just like we’ll never be able to understand what it’s like to be NT. A good therapist should help to bridge that gap.
And I sympathize with you greatly. I’ve had many relationships of all different sorts suddenly implode because of my ADHD throughout life. I hate that helpless black-hole feeling. I’m extremely lucky in the fact that my wife also has ADHD, but I definitely still feel that extremely uncomfortable strain at times. A thing that has helped me is to recognize that those relationships have never truly ended while I still carry the memories and the way they’ve changed me. It still hurts like a motherfucker, but it hurts less.
I know it hurts a whole lot as I can’t keep myself from legitimately crying right now just remembering how I can relate, but I hope that helps to let you know that you’re not alone. Keep fighting the good fight and I’ll try to do the same.
Thank you so much <3
Yes, in the end I’m thinking: It’s better to be apart than to keep making each other miserable. I want my wife to be happy and if she can’t be happy with me then I truly want her to be happy with someone else.
All the best and much love to you <3
Maybe couples therapy is a better investment than therapy for you individually.
Not sitting enough: is the issue that you are not working or that she doesn’t feel you are carrying your part of the domestic work?
The issue is that I’m bad at “the mental load”. Keeping things in mind, being aware of stuff that needs to be taken care of and taking care of it before it’s too late.
For example, I do the dishes, I vacuum, take out the trash, no problem. But when there’s mold starting to grow between the tiles in the bathroom I probably won’t notice it for a long time and, once I do notice it, ignore it :P
Or, it took me over a year to finally get rid of our broken washing machine. My wife has asked me to take care of it and I said I would but then months passed and nothing happened.
I set alarms and/or calendar reminders as a coping mechanism. I don’t always do the thing when the time comes but it at least gets forced back into my head over and over again until I eventually do it. My life has gone a lot smoother since I started doing this.
I think that’s a problem in many relationships, romantic or professional. Saying that you will do something and not doing it is terrible (sorry, you and your wife is right). Putting it in the calendar is the way as someone said. First put in an hour where you can figure out the steps (does it fit in the car, do I need one of those wheelie things, where can I get rid of it) and then schedule the actual getting rid of it and any steps before that. Break shit down. Use an LLM if it helps you. Making a detailed plan is good because then you can’t ponder it any more (trying to figure out the best way of doing something has stopped many a person from doing anything). Calendar items means that it’s more important than anything else you might be doing at that time (like vacuuming or whatever).
It’s the DO IT. DO IT NOW coping strategy where you do anything you notice / realise needs doing if it takes less than five minutes - with the extension that it takes less than five minutes to put things into a calendar.
Thank you so much :) I have in fact started to set reminders and alarms for things I need to do and it works well. My problem is rather to become aware of things that will need to be taken care of soon or being attentive enough to notice when something needs to be done, you know?
This hits really close to home. Am going through my own divorce right now and my ADHD is a major contributing factor to the breakdown of our relationship.
I don’t know about your situation, but my wife has too much of her own trauma to deal with my bullshit (and I say that knowing everyone has their own flavor of bullshit). She grew more and more discontent, and her trauma responses in particular were not a good fit for my ADHD
The “mental load” issue is hard for us, because a lot of the time we just need help learning or noticing. When you start collaborating on those things early it keeps the stress from reaching critical levels. But if the stress has already built up, it seems almost impossible for us to carry enough of the load on our own to bring it back down
I would ask my wife for accommodations like “if the laundry needs doing, leave the hamper in the hallway where I’ll see it every time I walk by”. Or “let’s do the dishes together, or even just body-double for me, because doing stuff as a team is motivating for me and gets it done immediately.” But by the time we realized what I needed, she was already too stressed out to see that as anything but “taking care of me” or “being a mom.” It hurt like hell to now what I needed and have a partner who was unwilling or unable to provide it.
As the issues grew, our intimacy declined, which made me way, way worse and feel like the woman who already struggled to speak in my love language (unrelated to the ADHD stuff) couldn’t provide what I needed anymore either.
I don’t mean to trauma-dump, just commiserate. I feel your pain on this, deeply. I think people like us need someone to understand what they’re getting into up-front so we can do the work together that keeps it from becoming a serious problem :(
Wow, what you wrote hit really close to home as well.
My wife had a very difficult childhood and unfortunately me having ADHD not being attentive enough triggers her personal trauma. We are a perfect match in many ways but in this aspect we are a terrible combination, our personal histories make everything so much harder.
Thank you so much for your words and I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard thing yourself <3
Did your wife do the thing where they feel “if I have to help at all I might add well do it myself. If I’m not resting, it’s no different than just doing it”? That was a huge problem for us because doing things by myself is the problem.
I wish you the best <3
I also wanna say that I there’s overachievers but only on very narrow disciplines. On average, no one has their shit together and the more people look like it, the less they do. I hope you continue to learn about yourself and become happy again.
It’s hard to lose a relationship, it’s even harder when you realise that you could have done better, but we are all growing and learning at our own pace and it is rarely beneficial to fault ourselves for not being better at a time that we did our best.
I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you can see that as hard as it is, you shouldn’t blame yourself for not having the skills that others have when you had struggles that others never did.
Thank you so much <3
Sending a virtual hug your way!
Unless you live in northern Colorado and want a real hug from an internet stranger who may or may not be a weirdo.
As a fellow ADHDer with all three kids in the ADHD spectrum somewhere. Please know I’m rooting for you, think the best of you, and you are great just the way you are!
Thank you <3 No I don’t live in northern Colorado but virtual hugs are very much appreciated <3
You’re welcome 🫶🫶
Sending love and support this is such a painful thing to navigate 🫂
Thank you <3 <3 <3
Having read through the thread some more and reflected, I think a huge part of the issue is that people really don’t fully grasp how much of a disability ADHD is. I’m going through process of making peace with a different disability, and if I start seriously dating someone there’s no way someone could miss how big of an impact it would have on the relationship. I’m essentially nocturnal. My living space can’t have any windows. I wouldn’t really be able to sleep in bed with my partner because I sleep at the wrong time. Life with me would be radically different in many ways than with a different partner.
If someone starts dating someone in a wheelchair they intuitively grasp that there will be things that their partner can or can’t do that will change the way the relationship looks.
But ADHD doesn’t really get the same respect as a disability, and I feel like that makes it so easy for it to take both partners way too long to see how grave of an impact it can have.
Research has found that ADHD being untreated can reduce life expectancy by as much as 13 years. It’s absolutely a disability, and it’s easy even for us with ADHD to not really fully appreciate just how much it affects us.
That doesn’t change the fact that it has done damage to your relationship. But I do think it is worth having empathy for yourself. This is such a painful thing for both of you I am sure
Please take care of yourself my friend 🫂 I’m sorry that things are in such a painful place. I hope that there are good things in your future, regardless of what shape they may take.
Thank you so, so much. All the kind words I have received in these comments really mean so much to me.
I think by now my partner does grasp what having ADHD means. In the past she didn’t really know what it meant and thought that ok people were maybe a bit more chaotic or forgetful.
But she has realized that the way my brain works is just fundamentally different and sometimes incomprehensible to her. And she knows me having ADHD means she has to put up with some things in order to be together with me but it’s reached a point where there isn’t really any, or hardly any, happiness left. She feels completely drained and constantly on the edge of depression. We have completely fallen into the “child-parent-dynamic” and she says being married to me is like being married to a teenager. Or having a child without having a child. Which in turn, I guess it goes without saying, has also pretty much killed any romance or attraction between us.
Yeah, there’s no easy way to handle that. I don’t fault her for going in with that conception of ADHD, I think even as a person with ADHD myself I struggle to let myself acknowledge how much more deeply it affects me than “maybe a bit more chaotic or forgetful”.
It is deeply sad to see how much damage it has done to y’alls relationship.
I hope that you will consider therapy for yourselves, and perhaps also couple’s therapy so that, as another commenter suggested, you can at least try to end things amicably and with as much empathy for eachother as possible if things are at their end
Thank you <3
A couple things come to mind:
Your wife coming into your marriage with an expectation that you change is not fair to you, nor is it your fault.
Also, you’re being really, really negative on yourself. You should be celebrating the progress you’ve made, but instead you’re stuck on “it’s not enough.” I know this is a hard time, but you can also view this as an opportunity. You have a lot of life left to live, and with the new skills you’re learning, you can live it to the fullest.
Thank you for your support <3
I don’t think my wife came into our marriage expecting me to change. It took her a while to realize something was wrong and all the while our relationship was developing a dynamic that just got worse and worse.
Dynamic is the the key word, it is not just you both both of your behaviours. Your wife needs to stop parenting you and give you responsibilities and trust you with them.
If the problems started 5 years in the relationship, it sounds more that you guys grew apart. Your ADHD might be a factor in that, but it can’t be the only thing, since no one suddenly develops ADHD at the age of 38. Doing the math it also seems the problems started during Covid, so maybe that’s another factor? It was a rough time for everyone. Anyway, I wish you all the best and don’t beat yourself up too much.
Mentioning covid is actually spot on for me. I can only speak of my experience, but I seriously doubt my experience with ADHD becoming dramatically worse during covid lockdown and never really recovering is unique to me.
Our problems actually did start during Covid but I don’t think the pandemic / the lockdown had anything to do with it. But that was when we moved to a new apartment for the second time and my wife started to realize that she was the one taking care of everything.
We definitely also grew apart. I have been really bad at keeping the relationship alive. Like, in the 10 years we’ve been together, I’ve been able to maybe arrange a handful of date nights. I never initiate doing anything fun, like a surprise weekend trip or a special date night, because I’m so bad at planning and arranging things.
I think that at the beginning my wife ignored some of the ADHD red flags that were definitely already there because we were so in love. When we moved to a different city two years into our relationship she took care of everything but it wasn’t an issue then. Eventually she realized that she was taking care of everything all the time.
What are you referring to when you say she takes care of everything? Are you unable to hold down a job, do you participate in household chores, do you engage with her and your friends, etc. Things like finding an apartment and arranging date nights are either one time tasks or not terribly consequential. I’m not saying there’s nothing for you to work on here but the things I’ve specifically seen you describe don’t sound like huge deals unless someone is looking to make them one.
As an example, my wife is usually pretty indecisive when it comes to planning unimportant things like date nights so I generally pick where we go and what we do. I could choose to interpret that as her forcing me to “take care of everything” but why would I choose to frame things in such a way that they make her seem useless? I noticed that she does not enjoy, or for whatever reason is not good at, planning those kinds of things so I step up and handle them for both of us. I view it as an act of service for someone that I love, not as an obstacle to my own happiness. As long as both people are looking to help in their own way then all that’s needed to maintain the system is a generous interpretation of your partners actions. I would hope that attitude would be even more prevalent in our relationship if she had a medical condition that prevented her from doing some of those things, rather than just a personal preference. That’s how relationships are supposed to work imo.
So much of relationships comes down to how we’ve conditioned ourselves to think about them. I get the impression that both of you are stuck in the idea that everything is your fault and my experience says that things are never that simple when both partners are decent people, which it sounds like is the case for you. It’s theoretically possible but incredibly unlikely. Again, that doesn’t mean that there’s no work for you to do to improve things. All I’m saying is that from the limited information I have about the situation it seems to me that her tendency to blame all of your relationship problems on you is just as much a factor in your perceived struggles as your ADHD. Maybe I’m way off base here but it’s something to consider at least.
I have a job, and fortunately one that I’m actually really good at. I participate in chores but the problem is more like… being aware of “the bigger picture”, so to speak. Like, when we’re looking for / moving into a new apartment: All the things that will need to be done in the process and doing them in time. Thinking and planning ahead.
That makes sense. I can see why that could be frustrating for her but it still seems like a workable problem if you are both interested in doing so. Her choosing to frame it like an unfair circumstance you’re forcing her into instead of a way for her to care for you or even as an area to improve on together is a big part of the issue though. You’ll never be happy in a relationship if you can’t love people in spite of their flaws. Fairness is a pleasant ideal but it only works in theory.
From your post its clear that you very much respect your wife and want to provide her with an equal labor marriage. I think that is what everyone should aspire to, bearing in mind some things that I think are kind of being left out here.
So I’ll dissent a bit and say, you didn’t ask to have ADHD. It is not your fault that you have a neurological disorder that makes it substantially harder for you to manage and perform these same kinds of daily tasks. Your voice throughout this post is extremely unsympathetic of yourself, and I dont think thats fair to you. ADHD isnt a choice. And as much as I think its important to aspire to an equal labor relationship, I think its also extremely important to recognize that some things are harder for us than for neurotypical people. To suggest it is entirely our fault is ableist. We can take actions to try and do more of these tasks that are harder for us, but its important to recognize that they are harder for us than for neurotypical people.
I also know from personal experiences that turning it all inwards on myself only made it harder for me to handle more daily labor. Understanding that I’m doing the best I can, and in the past I was too, made me feel much more motivated in trying to handle more.
Yeah, being kind to myself has been hard. I feel like such a failure most of the time.
I was in a similar boat. We made it two weeks shy of our 13th wedding anniversary. It sucked, and Im sorry you have to go through it too. I don’t have any advice that you’ve probably not already gotten, but maybe I can offer you some perspective.
My ex was the one who shouldered the responsibility, finances, and planning of everything. In hindsight I believe she resented me for it; not that I blame her. So when I loved out, I had to start taking responsibility for myself (and my kids when I have them). I had to, for multiple reasons:
- I was now single
- I don’t have family to fall back on
- I didn’t (and still don’t) want to give her any reason to think I’m incapable of taking care of my kids (i.e. fear)
- I’m a role model to my kids
I could go on, but the point I am trying to make is that I found my motivation (albeit too late for my marriage) for taking things into my own hands and becoming self sufficient.
Am I perfect? Nope. Do I still need help sometimes? Yep, and sometimes I will involve my ex (because I still don’t have family of my own). She doesn’t mind as much anymore; I also offer to help her too. It’s about the baby steps.
I want to be perfectly crystal clear: in no way am I suggesting that you are to blame! Let me reiterate: you are not to blame, and neither is your wife. I just know that two people can very easily fall into a rut, and then one person feels like they are doing more than the other.
For me and my ex, I was depressed, burned out, and unmedicated for adhd. It took me almost a decade to realize this, and two and a half years to get a grip on it. And Im certain I still have a ways to go.
So please be patient and forgiving with yourself, and I genuinely wish you and your wife the best; whatever that looks like.
Thank you, I really appreciate your input.
I’ve been getting better at handling things, I think. I also realize that sometimes I’m so scared of fucking up that I don’t know what / how I should do something. But when I just do it without worrying so much it often works out. Maybe not in the most efficient way, maybe sometimes in a kinda complicated way, but often I do find a way.
I will keep trying my best and I know I will keep getting better at things. And if my marriage really is over then maybe we can both be happier than we are now.
It sounds like you’ve taken the hardest step of all: starting. So give yourself a huge pat on the back for that, because as you already admitted, starting something is hard af.
Thank you so much! Yeah I often forget that and only see all the things I haven’t achieved yet.
Someone already mentioned couples therapy, but I want to reinforce that. Yes, there are ADHD coping skills that you are personally working on. But if you’re both interested in improving your relationship, there are things that you can work on together (and many of them won’t be ADHD-related).
When you’re looking for a couples therapist, if you can find one that’s experienced with ADHD, that might be helpful.
One last thought. Sometimes when we have ADHD, we have some internalized ableism. I see some of that in your post: “took me a year to get off my butt,” “I wasted a whole year doing nothing.” Both of those statements imply you were “lazy.” Executive dysfunction can make simple tasks much harder. ADHD people often struggle with medical care. Things like finding a doctor, setting appointments (showing up on-time to an appointment), and getting prescriptions refilled can be huge hurdles. The key is to find systems and supports to help you handle those challenges.
Yeah I agree. There are things I need to personally work on but our relationship has been damaged so much, if (and that’s a big if) there’s still hope for a future together I think we will definitely need couples therapy to get us back to a place of mutual trust and joy.
Even if couples counseling doesn’t save your marriage, it could be the difference between a kind and loving break and an angry and resentful one. I definitely recommend it and regular counseling if you can.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. This is rough and I hope you and your wife both find a way through this.
Some thoughts from an internet stranger:
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Your ADHD is not your fault. You mentioned not doing anything about it for around a year: please remember that ADHD affects your executive function. Maybe you feel like you could have done something earlier, but that’s part of the cruelty of executive dysfunction: we rationalise the inactivity (“I was lazy”, “I couldn’t be bothered”, etc.) because that’s easier to understand than accepting that for whatever reason your brain just couldn’t go there. You’re doing something now and that’s what matters.
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Just because your relationship feels like it’s not good now, that doesn’t mean it can’t improve. It sounds like both of you are carrying a lot, and maybe for now the right thing is having space from each other. That’s sad, and feeling those feelings is valid and important. But that doesn’t mean the story is over for the both of you. Some other people here have mentioned couples therapy, and if that’s something you’re both interested in I’d also like to join in with recommending that.
Thank you so much, I appreciate it!
Yeah, I… I try to remind myself that I can’t change the past. I should have done something sooner but also I have ADHD and I don’t mean it as an excuse but that’s the whole problem with ADHD.
We definitely need space from each other right now and… I don’t know, I’m both incredibly sad but also if we really can’t make each other happy anymore than that’s a fact I need to accept.
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It sounds like your partner maybe suffering from anxiety issues. As a adhd’r myself I have to constantly defend my need to just let me do things the way I want. Like give me a goal and let me mess up a bit. Just need the space and time to figure out how I am going to do something my own way cause my experience isn’t typical and it becomes unintuitive for passerby who are trying to facilitate my progress. As a musician I also have become acutely sensitive to how long it takes me to learn an pickup new skills and how my alternative methods often allow me to flourish while traditional methods often hinder me.
Yeah. I often notice that I can do something just fine if I’m doing it on my own.
This may be a ridiculous example but: One common source of friction is when we go grocery shopping together and put all the items back into the shopping cart after the cashier has scanned them. They are super fast and so we need to be pretty fast as well putting them back into the cart without for instance damaging fruit or veggies.
When we are shopping together I never know what to do. My partner is super fast at putting things into the cart and I want to try to help but I feel like I’m just getting the the way because I’m putting things back in the wrong order or into the wrong part of the cart.
When I’m on my own I do it just fine my own way.
Also your partner maybe experiencing some undiagnosed ADHD symptoms themselves. Where by they become more sensitive to ADHD behaviors that they themselves combat with a toxic inner voice. ADHD can be expressed in many ways and not always the cosmonaut - spacey variety. For instance having a very rigid routine in high stimulus activities like shopping where you’re focus is being exploited by advertising and marketing.
My partner 100% doesn’t have ADHD, I have never met a more focused, attentive, pro-active person than her. She always immediately knows what to do and gets it done. But she’s repeatedly stated that she thinks she might be on the autistic spectrum and from what I know about it and what I know about her I agree it might be the case and, if true, that would probably be another factor making things difficult 🤔
The ideal situation shouldn’t be that you are made to cope in such a way that you operate as a normal person. The ideal should be that you have learned something about yourself that can allow you and your partner to organize your lives more effectively with less friction.
Have you told her this, just like you have here?
Yes, we’ve talked about this many times. She knows I’ve been trying but she needs be to become more responsible, reliable and “more of an adult” than I seem able to. And she blames me, rightfully so, for wasting a whole year doing nothing.
Your waiting a year is the type of behavior that defines ADHD. She is blaming you for your disorder.
Yes, we need to work around our ADHD like someone with a physical disability needs to work around theirs. But someone without ADHD is going to struggle to understand that it is constant work just to function sometimes and there are limits.
Came here to say this.
It’s an Executive Function Disorder.
Task Initiation is an Executive Function that is impacted by ADHD.
I know some of my friends don’t understand how I can have all my ducks in a row, the task is simple the consequences for not doing it are severe, and yet I don’t just do it. It just doesn’t make sense to them.
Seems like you’re implying that because procrastination is a symptom of OP’s disorder, they’re not responsible for the consequences.
Idk. We’re all adults here. Having trouble making the appointment IS the adhd. Not recognizing that trouble, acknowledging it, and asking for help absolutely is something their partner deserves to be upset about.
At some point we’ve got to take responsibility and stop saying," yes, I’ll do that" and then not doing it. We’ve got to say, “that sounds like something I have trouble with on my own. Would you be willing to help me?”
It’s not your fault you need help, but it is your fault if you don’t ask for it.
You are an adult. There’s no “more” about it. Everyone is just making everything up, just like you.
Couples counseling, do it. Worst case scenario things still don’t work out and you divorce with the knowledge that you sincerely tried to repair things. Also you will have learned and grown from the experience. Best case scenario you both work through some difficult things with help and started repairing the relationship.
My guess is that both of you are exhausted. It is really hard to have optimism when don’t even have the energy for things you enjoy.
