21M, my life right now is such a mess.
My childhood feels deficient in some things, I really want to move out, my life is spread over multiple countries and I can’t decide how to fit each into my future, I’m struggling & demotivated at university, and I’ve had no success dating and just can’t figure out why.
I have a long term plan to get myself out of this but I’m afraid that the plan may prioritize the wrong things or be naively ambitious or specific. I’m AuDHD and seeing as it was my thinking that got me into this mess, my plan to fix it is probably riddled with the same mistakes. Which would mean I’d stay stuck where I am.
What would really help me is to consult my plan with a wise person who has watched many people’s life trajectories and who would be able to advise me on what parts of my plan are naive or likely to fail. Since I am AuDHD, I also need someone who will alert me to the sorts of narrow-minded ways of thinking that got me to where I am, because I am obviously blind to these. Or maybe the problem is that I think too much altogether. I can ask for individual pieces of advice on Lemmy but I’m looking for someone who would look at my life in a more holistic way.
What sort of person would be able to help me? I have tried coaching but coaches seem to focus more on CBT and have lacked the wisdom that I am looking for here.
First off, you are 21. Be okay with that. When I was 21 I definitely didn’t have my shit together. It’s a crap economy everywhere.
Take less classes. If you need to focus your studies, do so. It took me 4.5 years to get my 2 year degree. Finally got my driver’s license, got a shitty car, and got a decent job in 2 weeks. Talk about hurry up and wait. I was 23.
Don’t beat yourself up things will get better. I have friends that are in their late 30s/mid 40s that live with their parents. Not because they messed up, but they could never get ahead.
I had a teacher once say to me, “Aim for the moon, if you miss you will end up in the stars” It was accurate. Set lofty goals, sometimes with the expectation of failing. Take Retirement it’s an odd example. I want to retire at 48. Will I? Fuck no. But is it a failure if I retire at 53?
I have OCD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Dyslexia, Sensory issues, Insomnia, Anemia, and heart issues. But I also was born stubborn. And being stubborn was a gift. Don’t give up.
Woah.
coaches seem to focus more on CBT
Cock and Ball Torture??? You need different coaches. That took a wild turn.
Just in case you actually don’t know and that wasn’t a joke, CBT is also Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Okay, that I know little about then. Not that I know about Cock and Ball Torture either. I cannot offer advice there. I was just expecting the Internet to say off the wall Internet memes as the Internet does.
Thanks for this. This reality check has calmed me down and is motivating
Hit me up if you need to. I have no problems if you do so.
I get the impression that media tends to produce an unrealistic impression that people have their shit figured out by the time they’re in their early 20’s. I for one didn’t.
I was 25 when I started my first proper career, and that was mostly just sheer luck and perfect timing. And it took me a few more years before I actually managed to get my shit together at the age of 29ish.
Therapy (with an MFT or PhD therapist) and a gym membership can do amazing things for you at 21.
No single person will have all the answers. You may find a Yoda to help with your career, but they probably won’t have the life answers you’re interested in. That’s what your 20s are about: figuring yourself out and putting yourself together.
My 20s were about figuring myself out. My 30s were about figuring the system (economy, etc) out. Now I’m in my 40s, I understand the system, and don’t like it.
Ah, I like the way you summarise this by the decades. It makes sense
As others have said here, it sounds like you’re looking for probably a psychologist or maybe a psychiatrist.
Also keep in mind that nobodies an expert in everything, especially probably not in all the things a single random individual would need them to be, so you’re probably going to be better served splitting these questions up between multiple people, while a good psychologist would be the more holistic sounding board to help you work through decisions you’re struggling with or second guessing. For example, a psychologist probably isn’t going to have really deep insight into breaking in to something like the Computer Science field, or whatever you’re in to. Taking that further, they probably really aren’t going to be able to advise you when you decide you’re really interested in Cybersecurity, then Offensive Cybersecurity specifically, then even more specifically weaponizing custom kernel exploits. Ideally you’d want to find a mentor in the field you’re in for that kind of advice.
Also, as others have said, your 20s are going to be messy for most people. Fuck, at 20 I was in an Infantry battalion and thought I was going to make a career in the Corps. At 21 I was dealing with the fallout from that, and thought I was going to make a career out of being a mechanic. At 24 I was back in school not knowing wtf I wanted to do. At 28 I was in IT, thinking I’d be a network engineer and eventually architect. At 30 I was in a SOC thinking I’d do SOC analyst shit for my entire career. At 32 I was in offensive cybersecurity. Shit is going to change on you, you just have to lean into the roll and stay moving forward with it. If you told me at 21 I’d be doing what I’m doing now I’d have laughed. Set your big goals, but focus on the smallest steps forward to achieve them and reassess your goals after every few steps you take.
What sort of person would be able to help me?
You.
Goals.
A car is not useful without a direction. A life is more useful with goals.
Where do you want to be in 10 years? If you don’t know, pick something. As you gain direction toward your goal, you can refine the goal. Or, since you have momentum, switch direction even.
Break down your 10-year goal. Smaller and smaller goals, 5 year, 2 year, this year, next month.
How can you help yourself? Find someone who can coach you with setting goals. A little easier than finding someone who can help you with your “life”.
Great comment. Related: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. When you have a huge project (figuring your life out) it won’t do any good only looking at the big picture. You must break it down into small, manageable bits.
I’m Audhd and pretty much use my psychologist for all of this.
How did you find a good psychologist with actual wisdom?
I have a bachelors in psychology so was able to pick based on my understanding of approaches. I knew I didn’t want CBT, so went with an ACT psych instead. Mine is also a developmental psychologist so I knew they’d be more likely to understand neurodevelopmental disabilities than your average psychologist.
I doubt you can simply listen to someone online - maybe, but there’s no accountability here and that seems like a hindrance. So maybe try to find an actual irl counselor? If you are part of any clubs like a religion then that often offers streamlined access.
I will offer one piece of direct advice though, not from myself as a good source but from someone who I have come to trust: maybe pause the dating scene. So many people try to rush into that, but if you haven’t gotten yourself put together, then how are you going to offer to share your life with someone else? Depending on the circumstances ofc, like if someone was super awesome then they could help you, but it’s a lot to put onto someone else, and isn’t that a bit unfair to them? It seems kinder to both yourself to narrow your focus to getting your own life put together, and to others as well. If you are currently dating someone, note that I am not saying that you should immediately break up with them, it’s just something to consider and make your own determination about what to do.
This is good advice, thanks
I don’t want to comment on Cock and Ball Torture but I will say that eccentric people will help you see life in a much wider window than before.
Lmao true
You’re not gonna like this:
Stick with the cbt. If every professional you go to puts you on it then they all see that you’re lacking what sometimes get referred to as basic life skills or coping skills. It’s okay if that’s the case, that’s why cbt exists.
It won’t help you understand your life, but it will help you change the ways you’re fucking up and that will give you the opportunity to gain understanding by lowering your stress level and improving your chances of making it through college, which would make things easier if you did.
Don’t worry about dating. Its fucked everywhere and the only good dating advice is get an emotional outlet, a therapist and work at a bar.
It used to be when people wanted wisdom they’d ask their grandparents or equivalent. Just a thought.
Just to clarify, basic skills do not equate to common skills. Everyone goes through stages and situations in life that they are not mentally equipped to handle. Incidentally, situations like that is a good pivot point for acquiring said skills. Also CBT helps you doing this, even though it is a little boring.
Yeah it sucks that the words for that stuff have a value assessment baked into them.
I’m struggling & demotivated at university
Of all the stuff you’ve mentioned, this is the one with a price tag attached to it (unless you’re in one of those cool countries that actually takes care of its people), so I’d make top priority getting the school shit figured out first, whether it’s restructuring your study schedule, reducing your course load, or even dropping out to come back later when the other shit calms down a bit – what you DON’T want to do is just stay in classes you’re not passing, or you’ll wrack up an enormous bill (again, depending on country).
That said, your school might have the resources you need - some offer mental health services to students… whether its the specific flavor of mental health that you need I guess’ll depend on their staff, but it’s worth looking into at the very least. I’d make an appointment with your academic adviser and see if they can point you in the right direction.
If it makes you feel better, a lot of people at your age find that their life is a mess.
Tell you a secret. Life can become a mess at any age.
I think you could use a coach, but perhaps an older, wiser coach who isn’t tied to a specific style of therapy. Unfortunately, coaching is not regulated and therefore you might have to kiss many frogs to find a prince. I apologize that this advice might be true, but not helpful. I don’t know how you’d find such a person, except by trial and error.
Whom in your circle do you consider wise, or least experienced? Is there someone there you trust enough to try to have this conversation with?
Peace.
Two things:
- It sounds like you are blaming yourself, which is hard not to do when everything seems futile - but how you frame things is part of CBT.
You are responsible for the choices you make, but there’s a difference between learning, and beating yourself up.
Once you understand the underlying causes for your decisions, you become a different person, and it becomes harder to associate those old thoughts to who you are now.
- Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Be cautious of anyone who will accept the task.
I used to think my parents had shit figured out, then I realised how dumb they were.
Then I thought I had shit figured out, then I realised how dumb I was.
Then I thought I found my own guru who had shit figured out, but then I realised how dumb they were.
If you get lucky and find someone who provides valuable insights, understand this is gambling - eventually they will give bad advice.
Once you understand the underlying causes for your decisions, you become a different person
Mmmm, I hadn’t noticed this
What are you doing right now, why are you doing it and what do you want to do?
You seem similar to me. If you look 5 years into the future, what are the things you will want to have achieved since then?
People like us always find small tasks and achievements but they often dont matter. We may pile up tasks and todos for things we dont need.
Remove everything from your life that you dont need. And then everything that you wouldnt take with you, if it was a kinda urgent situation. You will feel free and do just what you really need.
At the same time, doing silly things is called a “hobby” and can be satisfying. Maybe ask yourself “is this pleasure or distraction?”
For finding people, I never succeeded with online dating too, but often just in situations where similar people meet, randomly. Dating on purpose is not natural and I think I would be uncomfortable meeting so many new people with that intention.
My favorite psychology professor put one of his classes online. That class really helped me understand myself and how to exist in life successfully. It’s called “Maps of Meaning”
I’m a wise person. I have a discord server dedicated to helping people with their identities, including neurodivergence and sexuality. But you will end up meeting some very queer people with identities you never knew existed, and you’ll have to be respectful.
