Make every car moan when you start it
Have penis make very loud air raid siren alarm when slightly hard
Final wish: You can never leave the lamp again.
First wish: all humans turn blue for 24 hours after masturbating
Second wish: reverse all human digestive tracts so food goes into anus and excretion comes out of mouth, trump style
Third wish: reproductive organs are all non functional for reproduction specifically and humans mate by doing The Polka for 6 consecutive hours.
Love, Satan
Third kind of makes the first one pointless. Unless that is, you consider doing the Polka by yourself masturbation.
You still feel horny urges, but baby can only be created via intense accordion action. It’d be a real blessing, the most effective form of contraceptive available.
“Blessing”. Weird Al would have his hands full pretty quickly.
Notice how I said reproduction specifically. You could still pleasure yourself. and yes solo polka would also count as masturbation
Do you masturbate to reproduce?
Shit damn. I can’t masturbate OR polka without turning blue? That really is diabolical.
Funnily enough, the third wish is actually one of the most positive things that can happen here.
Now people will fuck each other all day without having to worry about getting pregnant. No pills, no implants, no hormone. It’s just good ol’ pleasure now.
I’m blue, da ba dee da ba di
Final wish: Increase childhood cancer by 500%.
You sick fuck.
Take your up arrow.
Climate change solved?
1st wish: bring all insects together into one mega organism blob that slowly traverses the earth consuming anything it touches
Make bedbugs immune to insecticides.
Bedbugs now fly.
Just a FYI, most bed bugs are immune to insecticides already.
Tests and studies have shown that insecticides work as well as water for killing bed bugs. 25% kill rate and lowering each year.
The best tool against bed bugs is heat (Steam cleaner) or Diatomaceous Earth.
The time I had bedbugs we killed them with an ant’s insecticide. Looking up the active chemical found its banned in the US and the EU because it induce abortions and fetus malformation.
Yup, that’ll do it.
cancel update CANCEL UPDATE
This is great. You’ve made it easier to know if we have bed bugs now. And it’s a good thing we don’t use insecticide to kill bed bugs anyway. You could use diatomaceous earth, but the most effective way of getting rid of them is to have a professional kill them with steam. Your wishes are a service to humankind.
flying bedbugs
service to humanking
T-thanks…
So Nausicaä?
“All bugs are now the size of dogs.”
I think that just results in billions of dog sized bugs being dead no? Isn’t it a lack of available oxygen in the air that keeps their size down?
Granted, every flying insect becoming as large as a dog and plummeting to the Earth instantly would be fucking horrifying.
The inverse-square law means that most insects lack the body structure to withstand their own weight at that size, which would mean a horrifying moment or all insects growing and then imploding under their own weight.
You guys are all ignoring the most fundamental law of physics: Monkey’s Paw Law.
“Grant the desired wish in the most unpleasant way possible.”
Hidden Effect: Phyics now supports bugs the size of dogs.
All yards become massive piles of dead dogs erupting everywhere from the ground.
“I’ma boutta singlehandedly bring the worldwide prices for gasoline and ammo up a cent.”
Final wish, multiply every bank balance by 0.5
Would this one unintentionally help reduce wealth disparity?
By a lot! It would also cut every overdrawn bank account by half :)
Unfortunately it’s just “bank balance”, so actual debts outside of that wouldn’t be touched.
It would get worse. Cash reserves are for working class people; the rich mostly hold stocks which appreciate over time.
To the power of 0.5 would be better
So my bank balance can go from -£1 to £i - wow, thanks
Money is imaginary
It’s a bit more complex than that.
Yeah this
Multiply bank balances by current balance/$1000000
There’s the evil
Can’t have the common folk benefiting after all, that would be ludicrous.
Divide every bank balance by zero
That’s just a fancy way of saying “cut in half”.
That’s just a fancy way of saying “halve.”
That’s just a fancy way of saying “divide by 2.”
That’s just a fancy way of saying halve
that’s just a fancy way of saying:
imagine you have two children and live in a system of gavelkind succession. now consider the share of one of the children. then forget the children and make that share the new bank balance
XKCD 2741 Alt Text: “I wish for everything in the world. All the people, money, trees, etc.” “Are you SURE you–” “And I want you to put it in my house.”
Third wish: raise avg world temp by 5C.
How do we know that’s not what happened to Trump?
He would have lost focus babbling halfway through his first wish and never reached a coherent request.
Accelerationism intensifies.
Give everyone tastebuds in their anus.
What if I put my tastebuds in someone else’s anus?
It’s 2023. Have you not done that yet?
Wouldn’t you like to know weatherboy
Wouldn’t you like to know weatherboy
I call that an average Saturday night
You actually have sensors in your rectum and all over your body in places you wouldn’t expect that detect certain chemicals like sugars. They’re not exactly taste buds (because they don’t contribute to taste as people normally interpret it), but they follow the same process.
All you’d need to do is hook these up directly to a nerve…
Of course I know the taste buds in my colon (TBIMC) can never be cured, but my doctor told me that with proper diet and excercise and Poisantin, my TBIMC could be monitored, putting me in control of the size and sensitivity of the taste buds in my colon.
Third wish: we hit 2 degrees ten years ahead of schedule
